@jamdugg

*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!

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@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@JB4Realz

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@torrami

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

@Kica333

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

@imteddybless

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@MottoMan_

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

@jergarl

My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”