[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”