I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You guys I found a great deal on pumpkins and bus drivers
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”