Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Oh no

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.