Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
This is I, Robot all over again
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*