Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel