Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please