Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”