Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Never mess with a drunken pig.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.