Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Thinking about Jeff

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

This tweet has been deleted

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?