Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You Might Also Like
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier