Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.