Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead