Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I have a type: disappointing

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.