Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
All right then, keep your secrets
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.