Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Yes, this is exactly right
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.