Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

is this a threat

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.