Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?