Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.