Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
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remember
only for emergencies
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.