Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.