Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
👽
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free