Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.