Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

This is my bus stop.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

kevin is now a local weatherman

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.