parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?