parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
also my go-to takeaway order
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Lol.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.