My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Lucky old June.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.