Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL