Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Good Morning.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.