Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
