Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Who called it baking and not making love

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.