@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

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@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@E_lok44

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?

@tastefactory

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

@BroHumor

Probably not the best place to put the authors name..

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@Rlpihl

[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]