Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Hotels are back
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
🤣✨#caturday
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent