Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”


my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon


90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.


Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.


Who’s the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?


I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see


Probably not the best place to put the authors name..


Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.


if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?


[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]