Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!