Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
It’s a gift
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I came this close!!!!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.