Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.