Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Mornin

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?