Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..