Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Hank is one in a melon.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m not sorry.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no