Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket