Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.