Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no