Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
our love story in four pictures
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’m not lazy
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology