Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
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It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”