Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
As per my previous tablet…
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
those birds must be on payroll
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I am having an out of money experience.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.