Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

These aliens are taking forever.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]