Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do