Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
You Might Also Like
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Wise advice
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best