Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.