Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
You Might Also Like
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”