Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
#Caturday
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.