Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I have a type: disappointing
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒