Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

You should be able to google why a couple broke up