parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them