Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

How long do you have to wait between naps?

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes