Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Miscakes
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.