Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…