Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

How it started How it’s going

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.