Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
scrabbled eggs
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”