Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Barbie gone wild
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.