Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.