Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

this was very charming

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.