Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”