Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better