Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

Seals are just dog mermaids.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.