Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

*sewing*

A thread

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

A double negative is a big no-no.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Why is this me 😫

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.