Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Meow

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”