parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
somebody come look at this
