Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”![]()
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.