Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

yeah 😭

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.