Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎