Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
