Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty