Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

so, is there a mister shapen head

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”