Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Geez man, take it easy.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Genius idea!!

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”