parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.