Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan