Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
January has been Januweary
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development