Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
This makes total sense…
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old